Stolen shamelessly from Free Market Fairy Tales. Read it and weep:
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS
May 23, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter. “This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over.
With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing”, said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%)
President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of non-able people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans with No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-able, banning discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?” and “Are you awake?”
“As a non-able person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.”
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great society which I lead.”
Damn, that’s just close enough to the truth to be scary.
UPDATE, 9/17: Apparently it’s not a joke. (Via Ravenwood) At least not in England:
‘Hard-working’ job ad banned to protect the lazy
A businesswoman has been banned from asking for ‘hard-working’ staff in a job ad because it discriminates against the lazy.
Beryl King was told by a Jobcentre that her advert for warehouse workers discriminated against people who were not industrious.
Beryl, 57, told the Daily Mirror: “I couldn’t believe my ears. Has our world gone mad?
“I’ve been running my business for 27 years and it’s getting harder to find people who want to do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay.
“How long before someone says you can’t pay people for working because it discriminates against those on benefit who are paid for not working?”
Beryl, who owns two job agencies in Totton, Hants, offered £5.42 ($9.71) an hour for “warehouse packers who must be hard-working and reliable”.
The Southampton Jobcentre is investigating. A spokesman said: “Words such as ‘hardworking’ can be accepted if used with a clear job description.”
Yes, Ms. King. The world has gone mad. Completely batshit.
