I See Mark Moron Morford Still Has a Job

Seen his latest screed phillippic rant primal scream column?

An Uzi Up Your Liberal Nose
Who cares if the assault-weapons ban is
about to expire? The gun lobby can’t wait
to blow stuff away

Assault weapons. Aren’t they just the cutest things?

And isn’t it just so sweet and fall-down uproarious how the NRA and all its knuckle-draggin’ right-wing pals in the U.S. Senate are all cheering right this minute, as the much-loathed 10-year-old ban on assault weapons, the one outlawing Uzis and TEC-9 semiautomatics and AK-47s and all other way-cool manly guns that have no other purpose in this world than to annihilate crap at 200 rounds per minute, is about to expire?

Let’s see, that’s one insult, one lie, and one exaggeration in the mere first paragraph! (I’ll ignore the opening sentence and title.)

Because, get this: The ban will not be renewed. It’s true. Even if that commie liberal Feinstein somehow gets it passed in the Senate, the NRA lobby has promised to keep it from ever coming up for a vote in the House, and the law will just expire and they will all cheer and slather each other in gun-barrel polish and go off and shoot stuff, because that’s the only thing that seems to give life any meaning.

He seems perturbed, doesn’t he?

Isn’t that great? To hell with logic and to hell with your kids’ safety and to hell with even trying to prevent moron gangbangers and terrorist wanna-bes and imbecilic white supremacists from easily getting their hands on a nice AK-47 that can mow down a schoolyard full of tots in 10 seconds flat. Instead: Down with liberal scum who would take away our God-given right to bear nasty ultraviolent weaponry that no one anywhere can justify the existence of. Go, NRA!

Except even gun control groups like the VPC have admitted that the “Assault Weapon Ban” didn’t do any of the things Mr. Moron Morford attributes to it. Doesn’t he realize that you can buy an American-built AK-47 clone (without, of course, a folding stock or a bayonet lug) right now?

Of course he does. He’s just doing his job, trying to scare the poor idiot populace into doing what he wants, like all good Leftists do.

What, too sarcastic? Well, hold onto your sides, because it gets even funnier. Even little gun-lovin’ Bushie himself declared during the 2000 campaign that he actually supported an extension of the ban (pretty hard, even for Shrub, to defend Uzis in the wake of Columbine and 101 California, et al.), a law that outlaws 19 types of insidiously lethal weaponry, the very guns most highly prized by jittery meth-lab owners and killing-spree advocates and homophobic militia members deep in the Montana woods. Oh, and also by upstanding, white-bread NRA members. Oh my yes. They need assault weapons. Must have them. Or so they claim.

Well, thank you Mr. Moron Morford. You’ve done such a marvelous job of associating people like me (I own an AR-15) with homophobic meth-lab owning spree killers. But I live in Arizona. Such awesome literary skills floor me.

But Bush, he is just so happy. He won’t have to see that bill at all. He won’t have to sign a thing before the election and risk annoying the Bible-quotin’ gun lovers of America. The NRA lobby will kill it before he even has to try to pronounce the phrase “high school gun rampage.” Oh man is he ever relieved.

I bet he is. There’s a lot of us gun lovers. (I don’t happen to be a bible-toter, but if Bush signed an AWB renewal, I don’t believe he would be receiving my vote come November.) It is good that my NRA dues go, at least in part, towards goals that I support. That’s what representative government means! My lobby is stronger than your lobby!

Because to the NRA, the rule is absolute: No gun law is a good gun law, and any ban of any kind is a slippery slope (always, always a slippery slope) until the government stomps in and takes away all your rights to do anything fun at all, and so screw the painfully obvious, skull-crushingly sad fact that allowing assault weapons back into the culture is the equivalent of allowing, say, convicted rapists loose in a sorority house.

Once again, Mr. Moron Morford asserts that which is undeniably false – that the “Assault Weapon Ban” removed anything from “the culture” in the first place. This is most obviously not so. But since it doesn’t fit in his worldview, it simply is ignored. If he actually recognized reality, his head might explode.

What, too extreme? Bull. Even “normal,” responsible gun owners — and, yes, they do exist, in huge numbers — know there is zero justification for allowing Uzis and AK-47s and their ilk back onto the market, just as there is no validation for suddenly legalizing, say, bazookas and flamethrowers and a swell grenade launcher for the Hummer. Dude! Wouldn’t that be so cool! Imagine a flame-throwing grenade-launching badass H2 with roof-mounted machine guns, barreling down I-5 and shooting up those goddamn wimpy Priuses and Mini Coopers! Ha! High five! Goddamn liberals!

Hmm…Bazookas are actually legal – like machine-guns they’re Class III devices, and so are the individual rocket rounds. Flamethrowers, to my knowledge, are unrestricted. No thanks to the goddamn liberals. I think, if Mr. Moron Morford looked around, he would find that “Uzis and AK-47s and their ilk” are still available all over the country. (Hey, if he can repeat his lie, I can repeat the truth.)

But huge numbers of responsible gun owners happen to own “assault weapons” too. There have literally been millions sold in this country, and the overwhelming majority, like the overwhelming majority of all guns, have ended up in the hands of us (check the scare quotes) “normal” responsible gun owners. So we disagree with the assertion that there is “zero justification,” don’t we?

Whoops, sorry. Getting carried away again. Hard not to, really. Because you simply have to love that NRA logic. It is pure genius, their insidious small-minded one-note hunk of reasoning that says banning assault weapons is just one step away from the government breaking down the door and taking away their shotguns and their Cheez Puffs and their Guns & Ammo subscription and their secret stash of gay porn.

I’m not sure, but I think the “gay porn” comment is supposed to be insulting. Now, I don’t know the man personally, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeff of Alphecca had a bit of that laying around, and I don’t see it as an insult unless the person writing it has a problem with gays. (Isn’t Moron Morford outspokenly gay? Does this mean he hates himself?) Now, the “insidious small-minded” comment is another thing, as that’s precisely how I see the gun-control supporters. And since they’ve been using the “slippery slope” method to achieve gun bans (as the English did) pardon the hell out of us for seeing the “Assault Weapon Ban” as precisely what it is: one great big step down the Slippery Slope that Mr. Moron Morford doesn’t want to admit exists, but would obviously be more than happy to shove us knuckle-dragging, insidious, small-minded, CheezPuff-eating, G&A reading gun nuts down.

Fuck you very much, Mr. Moron Morford.

This is the thinking. And it applies to all aspects of the frightening NRA mind-set. What, damn libs make me wear a seat belt in the car? Won’t let me breed African killer bees in my backyard? Make homemade bombs out of weed killer and turpentine? Buy cop-killer bullets at Wal-Mart? What’s next, invading my home and making my kids read feminist lit and stealing my kidneys while I sleep? I knew it! Damn liberals!

Ah, yes. The infamous “cop killer” bullets. Can’t have a good anti-gun rant without that old bromide. And you make homemade bombs out of fertilizer and diesel fuel. Don’t you know anything?

It gets better. It gets funnier. It gets sadder. Let us note how the current, about-to-expire legislation is already full of loopholes and flaws of sufficient breadth that gun manufacturers can mostly skirt the ban by making simple cosmetic changes to their guns and then selling them as something else, completely legal, even though the gun is essentially the same, ha ha suckers.

So, even though Moron Morford has been claiming that the law “banned” some weapons and removed them from “the culture,” and that sunset will cause these banned and removed weapons to be available for consumption by meth-dealers, spree-killers, NRA members and the like, NOW he admits that the law was useless and did nothing that he claimed? Yet it is cruicial to him that this useless, ineffective law be renewed! So that the next incremental step down the slippery slope….

Don’t pay too close attention to his writing, folks. You might get whiplash.

And if you are at all sentient and aware and feel even the slightest twinge of humanitarian concern for the spiritual progress of the human animal, a bitter, uncontrolled, fall-down fit of pained hilarity would seem to be the only real reaction you can possibly have.

Here, let me translate that for you fellow NRA members: Anyone who supports the sunset of this stupid law is:

A) Not sentient (that means “thinking” and “self-aware” for you knuckle-draggers) – so Mr. Moron Morford was being redundant (that means “repetitive.”)

B) Uncaring about “spiritual progress of the human animal” – i.e. “we hate everybody!

I get the impression that he doesn’t like us very much.

Seems only fair as the feeling is mutual.

Because if you don’t laugh it off, right now, at the bloody cosmic circus of it all, you will tear out your hair and start popping Vicodin like candy and pound a large nail into your own skull to deflect the pain, and then move to Canada, where they look down at America’s bizarre right-wing macho inbred obsession with guns and just go, oh my freaking God what the hell is wrong with you people.

Please, Mr. Moron Morford, take option “B”!! Canada needs more self-inflicted lobotomy patients. You could run for a seat in Parliament!

And the kicker? The cutest aspect of all? There is no effort to hide it. The NRA is making not the slightest stab at concealing how their snide little lobby controls the right-wing side of the senate, nor are those same senators denying how they happily and with full enthusiastic intent suck at the bitter macho metallic tit of the gun lobby.

As opposed to the gun control movement that hides each and every new attempt to slide us down the slippery slope? We’re proud and unrepentant because we really believe that the Second Amendment means something, Mr. Moron Morford, and not what you think it means. We’re quite happy to live here with our guns. I recall once in a flamewar on the talk.politics.guns group a commenter who said something on the order of “Why don’t all of you gun-freaks go form your own country!” To which one quite bright respondent replied, “We did. Who the hell let YOU in?”

So? Who did let you in?

Simply put, they just do not care whether you know. Why? Because the Right, they still have majority control. They still make the rules, and, no matter how many Dems or progressives or commonsense Americans still think the assault-weapons ban is a good idea overall, they just don’t give a crap. The NRA is in charge. The sheer force of the gun lobby will make Uzis available again, just because they can. Don’t like it? Suck my shotgun barrel, commie liberal tree hugger. God bless America.

I believe Mr. Moron Morford just outed himself as being against democracy when it doesn’t happen to agree with his personal politics. I’m shocked, shocked I tell you!

Yes, Mr. Moron Morford, we have majority control. More than that, though, we live in a CONSTITUTIONAL REPUBLIC and not a democracy, so there are certain fundamental rules that no mere majority can overturn. And that galls you, doesn’t it? The Left is constantly thwarted by the great unwashed (but numerically superior) masses that just won’t do what you want. We who are so stupid and easily lead, but who you cannot seem to lead to anything. And you are further thwarted by that useless old peice of paper with words written by evil slave-owning rich white men that just can’t still mean what it says in this modern age.

And we will continue to thwart you.

Suck on that.

And, finally, here is NRA prez and noted ball of rancid cottage cheese Wayne LaPierre, talking up the sheer orgiastic joy of watching the ban expire: “I’m here to promise you that’s the end of [the ban]. It’s over. On Sept. 14, the sun will rise and it will never see the light of day again as long as we stay strong.” Yes, he’s actually comparing buying Uzis and AK-47s to a sunrise. And lo, the Earth shuddered, children everywhere felt suddenly soiled and defiled and lightning, sadly, did not strike LaPierre dead on the spot.

It’s gotta be tough when even God Gaia isn’t on your side, Mark.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to type this column.

It’s that nail in your skull, isn’t it?

Please?

I am now laughing so hard at the warped hypocritical savagery of it all, at so many Republicans wailing about, you know, the necessity of war on terror and war on drugs and war on gays and war on women’s rights and war on just about everything they don’t understand, and then how they turn right around and fall prostrate in front of Mr. NRA Lobbyist and say yes yes, what this country really needs goddammit is to get those Uzis back into the hands of angry Americans.

Those would be the Uzis that you admitted above that the law didn’t really remove or stop the manufacture of? Those Uzis? And what about that war on gays? I thought we knuckle-draggin’ NRA members had secret stashes of gay porn? Like it’s a bad thing?

I was going to suggest that you be consistent, but you’re a Leftist, and the two seem mutually exclusive.

Laughing. Laughing so very hard. Oh you poor, sad senators, lobbyists, NRA chiefs, stroking your Uzis and cheering your right to own multiple TEC-9s and not caring a whit for how anyone thinks. Or feels. Or intuits. Or loves.

Sure they do, Markie-boy! Sure they do! Say, that nail in your brain really is affecting you. Don’t you remember noting that the Right Wing is in the majority? Why else do politicians support anything? It’s the only way they get re-elected! And they know it.

Democracy. Ain’t it wonderful?

Do you really not see? Do you really not understand the sad dose of malevolence your agenda pumps into the cultural bloodstream? Do you not, finally, when you go to bed at night, get hit with a white-hot realization of what comical, bleak little clowns you are? No, I suppose you don’t.

And to that I have but this to say:

Pot? Meet Kettle.

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